Katy Jo at Home

There’s a drawing in my journal that looks to have been drawn by a fourth-grader with a picture of a dog, a house, a few kids, a pool, a garden, me at a pristinely organized Pottery Barn-esque desk “working from home”, a man at a job where he’s a boss, a horse, a piano and a few other images like glasses of wine and an airplane. Like a ball of rubber bands, this wad of things I hoped my life will consist of seems so storybook.

Two years ago the drawing was a vague image of the future full of excitement, adventure, and the unknown and then came the job, chronic pain , a boyfriend, a dog and a house. Life went from original to typical and from breaking the mold to cookie cutter. And “me” got lost in the depths of my organized closet where all the pants hang with other pants, the long-sleeved shirts with long-sleeved shirts and white socks with white socks. Sad isn’t it?

Each layer of comfort has been stripped away as the job is no longer, the boyfriend now an ex, the pain healing, the pain killers run out, the nicotine tastes bad and a depression sits down over this heart inside my chest. As Missy Higgins sings, “Katie was a little girl who said, ‘I’ll find a way, it’ll be ok’ and she found a little something she used to drown. Katie said ‘I’m alive and I am free, but you see I have control over me and then she said go and left this world’”.

This Katy doesn’t want to drown and doesn’t want to go away.

Natalie captures my feelings perfectly when she says “I’m looking for a way to calm these voices in my head. With all this mad confusion I don’t wanna leave this bed. I’m on the run again, I’m on the run again from me. I’m drowning in these feelings and it’s scaring me to death. I don’t know which way is left and there’s not point in not being right. So I’ll hold my breath till the morning till I see the light.”

What is one to do when half of her says to control, you’ll never be good enough, don’t stop, keep going, keep working, keep trying, make yourself better, try harder to get people to accept you, get out the bad, clean, get out of debt, get rid of the dirt, don’t be so lazy, don’t stop and the other side says to let go, breathe in breathe out exhale inhale, spend an entire day not working and feel more alive than ever, dive into the river and climb the mountain to see the sky, be creative, let your life be full of the things you love even if it’s a little messy, follow your passion and the rest will fall into place… what?

Good leaders are good because they focus and they hone in and being a good leader able to influence and lead people towards a common, noble goal is what I believe I am capable of becoming and what I want for myself. My fears and anxiety are that if I focus on one career I’ll miss out on so many things I maybe don’t know about yet. Maybe I’ll choose the wrong path and forever loose my chance to be successful because I settled. What if I spend twenty years developing technology and then the ice caps melt and we have a Day After Tomorrow? I don’t want to be weak and to die if that happened. I want to have the skills and knowledge to survive so maybe the career I choose should be something timeless instead of creative. What if? What if? What if not? What about TODAY? What about RIGHT NOW?

Maybe it’s best to just stop being afraid since I’ve already failed so many times and my heart still beats, and there’s still food on the table, and the sky is still up there.

I know that I want adventure in the great wide open and I want it more than I can tell!!!! (bonus points if you call this quote)

I say I know myself and I am not scared but I am a big fake because I’m just as scared as everyone else. Yet, I know I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

Let the rain fall down or let the sun shine. Let myself float on the crystal blue lake on a crisp autumn day and lie by the fire in the cold of the night. Let go and know that life is better than death and love is stronger than hatred.

I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know something’s starting right now. Watch and you’ll see Some day I’ll be Part of THE world.

Because “Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie which we ascribe to heaven.” ~William Shakespeare, All’s Well That Ends Well

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss